everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Randomize