A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
