i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
