Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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