either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
