there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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