The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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