So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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