apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
