Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
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