somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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