I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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