Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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