i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Randomize
