Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
one two three fourrrrnication!
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm like, not good at living.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
