Will you blow on my dice?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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