He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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