I think I won the penis lottery.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
organizing the empties. That sober.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
