I accidentally had phone sex last night
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
