no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
