she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
i've created a new STD.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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