dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
