I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
