I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
