We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
