I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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