My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Randomize
