Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
we should paint friendship bongs
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
