he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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