If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
