UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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