what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
