did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
