i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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