You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I accidentally had phone sex last night
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
