someone get that fucking seahorse.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
