i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
barbara walters just said penis...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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