Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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