I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
