So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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