Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
