Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
