Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
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I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
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my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
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