Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
