at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
