1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
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Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
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so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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