Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You are the jesus of drinking
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
