When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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