Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
