I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
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How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
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I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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