Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
