i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
