I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
