do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
