Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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