After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
