You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
