you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
