Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
