and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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